Not Today

I have recently started a fitness plan. I must confess, this is not the first time that I have started this journey. However, I am determined to make this time different.

My weight is actually something I have struggled with my whole life. While I have never quite hit the obese mark, I have yet to be satisfied with my body and I have never been the active type. I must thank my parents who ensured that I stayed active as a child. I hated anything related to exercise when I was younger. Not to mention quite a few of my friends' parents had running jokes about me coming to their house and eating their food. One of my friend's mom even went so far as to call me Rolly from the movie 100 and 1 Dalmatians (being that I was in elementary school, I didn't take that comparison quite too well). During physical fitness tests at school, I was that kid that everyone had to wait for because I was one of the last to finish the mile, I am pretty sure I never did a pull up, and I didn't have any interest in school sports. So my parents got creative. They found activities that I liked such as dancing and ice skating and they supported all of my endeavors with both. Additionally, they worked hard to feed my sister and I well. For example, my mom did her best to keep sweets away from my sister and I. Very rarely did we have things like soda in our house.

As I got older, the things my parents embedded in me stayed with me. However, I still was never really 'in shape'. In college I walked a lot and my roommate and I would attempt to work out on a regular basis. There were no real goals or fitness plans, we just didn't want to gain the dreaded 'freshman 15' (and we didn't). When I went through my first graduate program in San Diego, I enrolled in a 24 Hour Fitness gym. I even got a personal trainer. For the first time I started to see changes... and I felt changes. I was counting calories and staying active. One of my greatest accomplishments at that time was hiking a mountain that I had initially struggled with...And I hiked it with ease and made it to the top!

Then life happened.

My thesis took over my world, some personal situations became heavy so I just fell off and I quit.

Back to the old me I went. Cookies, brownies (anything with sugar), and no exercise. It was easy, so I did it.

This has continued to be a consistent theme in my life. I will get on a great workout routine, get in shape, fall off and quit. Once I even trained and ran a half marathon. But as before, once I completed that goal I stopped running and gained back all the weight I just worked off.

I am determined to destroy that part of me.

I may have quit numerous times before, but not today.

My current goal is to be a healthy and strong. Why, you ask? First of all, as I become older I recognize certain things run in my family. Being in the late 20s/early 30s age range, I realize that I am in a perfect position to take preventative measures. Second, and more importantly, I see that my fitness struggles are intertwined with my relationship with Christ.

When I look at my body, what I see are areas that I didn't trust God. I see moments that I thought I wasn't strong enough... or maybe even not good enough. I see times when food became my comfort rather than Christ. I see moments when I didn't feel like fighting, so I quit. I see lack of discipline, lack of faith, lack of patience and lack of trust.

I want to see something stronger. I want to see the power of Christ in me.

I believe I am beautiful and I believe that God is happy with His creation of me. But I have allowed myself to drift from what I could be, what I believe God wants me to be.

Sometimes when I work out or try to eat better, I hear a small nagging voice that says, "You are never going to change. I don't know why you keep trying". But that is a lie. That is the same lie that hinders me in life and I refuse to let that thought hold my life captive.

I am not exactly sure where this fitness journey will take me. My only desire is to stay focused on Christ and to become healthier, happier, and stronger version of me. I will take it one day, one step and one meal at a time.

I may have quit before, but NOT TODAY.

I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13